Holland or Spain: who am I going with?

“I have always honoured the King of Spain,” is one of the more striking lines in the national anthem of - yes, you guessed it - the Netherlands. Yes, rather than the Spanish it is the Dutch who penned this phrase down 4 centuries ago whilst the provinces of the Netherlands where part of the Spanish empire for about 80 years. Nevertheless, it could have easily been slotted into the Spanish one as well. For there is plenty of room in their anthem as theirs is lyric-less. However, it’s great for me as it fits in nicely with my new duel-nationality (conveniently dropping the English).

So, after two convincing wins for Holland and six points for Spain it is time to start thinking who I am really supporting at the Euro Cup - defining my nationality along the way.

Deception

I remember very well throwing my Holland scarf on the floor, two years ago in the truckers lounge of a boat slowly drifting somewhere on the Baltic Sea - swearing that I would never support Holland ever again. We had just played the most shameful game of World Cup history with 16 yellow cards and 4 reds, all resulting in a 0-1 defeat against the thieves of Portugal. It was not so much that we lost but how we lost. There - on deck 7 of the 'Robin Hood' - I morally walked away from my national team and my Dutch nationality altogether.

I have never felt Dutch and I probably never really will. Circumstances in life have made me a bit of an outsider in the country whose passport I hold. Somehow I never really fitted in the Dutch society although I am yet to discover why this is. When I see the groups of well-off Dutch trotting through Madrid I can't help but smile. I do feel some sort of an affection for my countrymen but much more than affection I can't bring up.

Argentinean

When my friend Asaf - himself a beacon of Dutchness - visited me here in Madrid we bumped into a Dutch guy in a very crowded flamenco bar. At first we tried to deny that we were Dutch, both putting on an Argentinean accent to save ourselves from an awkward conversation. The combination of two facts - Asaf's T-Shirt reading 'Holland' and the fact that he heard us speaking Dutch - did us in. I noticed I was very rude to this half-Spaniard half-Dutch who was just very happy to finally find two Dutchies in Madrid - a city where he felt a bit lonely after living nearly all his life in Holland, he confessed.

I had no desire what so ever to speak to him only because of my nationality. "I am, where I am", I tried to explain him. "Huh (a typical Dutch expression)," he said, "So, you think you are from Madrid?" His laugh which followed made me realize that I am fooling myself thinking this. Nationality is just a topic I wish to avoid.

"I am where I am"

But, during the Euro Cup nationality cannot be avoided. So, my “I am where I am,” thesis is being put to the test and I have to admit I am failing my own exam: I am passionately supporting Holland – sweating every second of the matches. I am wearing orange clothes, publicly defending liberal Dutch policies, explaining to all that Holland is the best country in the world to raise your kids.

In other words, I am shamelessly riding the Orange Wave which is currently rumbling through Europe. After two crushing wins people are stopping me in the street offering me drinks and congratulating me on my Dutchness. I accept it all with glory. The exiting playing style of Holland is turning me into some kind of hero here in Madrid. My star has risen considerably, just based on my nationality, something which I was willing to renounce only a short time ago. I am what they call here in Spain a ‘sin vergüenza’ – a person without shame.

My Spanish passport

So, what about Spain? The other day I joined the Facebook group “You know, when you are Spanish when…” and going through the following list I can comfortably say that according to Facebook – that embodiment of social truth – I am Spanish, because I know that:

• ‘The Raul discussion’ is not something to be messed with
• Three of the regions in my country want to secede at any given time.
• Conversation mainly focuses on food
• Spiked mullets have been in fashion for as long as you can remember
• I can always tell who is a tourist by the amount of sunburn they have
• No one eats supper before 10 pm. No one sleeps. Ever.
• My grandmother-in-law has an olive, peach, citrus, or plum tree in her backyard
• It is acceptable to dislike someone solely on the premises that he/she votes PP/PSOE
• Gay marriage is totally okay
• A "Chino" is not a person, but a place to buy alcohol underage.
• There are no Spaniards in Benidorm
• There's a national holiday every other week, and Fiesta Mayor at least three times a year
• It’s not Español, it’s Castellano
• Bable is a real language (from Asturias)
• There are more dialects than people
• There are five construction cranes everywhere you look
• You're cool with living with your parents until you're 30.
• A Three-bedroom apartment seems HUGE
• There are three food groups: ham, bread, and wine
• My prime minister is called “shoemaker”
• Prosciutto is not real ham. It must be Iberian.
• Prostitutes are a vital part of the economy.
• Every drink is a "Cubata". It doesn't matter what is inside as long as it's alcohol.
• Every year someone around you chokes on New Year's Eve because of the damn grapes you have to swallow.
• Only tourists order sangría at a restaurant.
• Everyone is appalled when they meet you because you lean forward to give them two kisses.
• You never drink chocolate milk, just dip things into it
• The exact four or five ingredients to put in a tortilla española can start a fight
• Even though it's just a rock covered in monkeys, I am secretly bitter than Britain owns Gibraltar
• You leave your apartment at 20.45 because you had to be somewhere at 20.30 and you wanted to be early.
• Mixing wine with fruit juice, seltzer or coke is perfectly normal and sometimes expected.
• Nino Bravo is the King.
• What a ‘missing call’ is and am never in the mood to fully explain how it works to a foreigner.

So, there it is. I am also Spanish. I know all these things and act to them appropriately. But it is not enough to fully support their football team. If the two teams meet in the semi’s I will go for Holland – my new country. I am a born-again Dutchmen. After the final I will revert to my ‘I am where I am’ theory. But not just yet, please – with your permission – let me enjoy these moments.