The Knights Who Say NIE

The Knights Who Say Ni! are a band of knights from the comedy film Monty Python and the Holy Grail, feared for the manner in which they utter the word “ni” (pronounced as knee but clipped short). As it was said in the movie, “Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!”

The Knights are led by a man who is approximately 12 feet tall with disproportionately short arms and reindeer antlers inserted into his helmet (played by Michael Palin standing on a ladder). The other Knights are of normal human dimensions and act as a chorus, only repeating words and phrases that the head Knight has spoken.

The Knights are to be found in a forest and demand to King Arthur that he gives them a shrubbery (a good one and not too expensive) as a payment to pass through the woods they defend, which he in the end obtains in a nearby village.

Now, today I myself had to pass the mighty Knights Who Say NIE! My knights only differed in two ways to the Monty Python ones: the way they say NIE is more open (pronounced as knee-eh) and they are located – not in any woods – but at Plaza del Campillo del Mundo Nuevo nº 3, right next to my house.

NIE in their case stands for número de identidad de extranjero and is like a social security number which every foreigner needs to obtain to work and live in Spain. In other words, it is a bureaucratic procedure with difficulties. Naturally I was afraid of the Knights Who Say NIE so I brought along a shrubbery just in case.

Upon entering the building I had to leave the shrubbery outside for security reasons. I tried to convince the doorman that I had brought it as a present for the Great Leader who was going to attend me; he was unimpressed but let me pass. This was going far too easy.

Inside I was scanning the waiting room for the 12 feet tall civil servant who was going to tell me that I didn’t fill in the correct papers and that I had to come back in two months time. I couldn’t find him or her. Instead there was just a friendly man sitting behind a desk who told me to wait just a momentito. He even offered me a biscuit which I declined.

Sure enough after five minutes I was attended by another friendly looking person who asked me to pass through to her office. I had already figured out how to say in Spanish “Sorry, the doorman didn’t let me pass with the Shrubbery, but if you let me I can go down and get it for you now.” But she never asked me the question. Alternatively she asked me where I was from and what the names of my parents were (Is your father’s name Peter Thomas or Neil…just choose one, we don’t mind!).

Within two minutes I had my NIE and I was a legal entity in Spain. I was confused. This had gone way too easy. When I left the office and stumbled down the stairs I passed the doorman and nodded hasta luego. Two seconds later I heard the doorman shout “Caballero!”. “Of course,” I thought, “They have discovered something and now I will need to hand back my newly obtained number and come back in two months.”

But this is not what the man said. He just simply communicated “Sir, your shrubbery.”